Being in the closet in my conservative world.

The first person I came out to was my best friend, Kay, who just happens to be a lesbian, so of course she took it well. The next person I told was another best friend of mine, Mary. I’m pretty sure she’s straight but she’s pretty open minded and took it well also. After those experiences went so well I told two of my most openminded guy friends. It took a while to explain to them exactly what it tis to be pansexual but Nat finally gets it. Jay just thinks I’m a lesbian and practically makes fun of me for it. 

The worst thing about coming out as pansexual is that people think I’m denying the fact that I’m a lesbian (like Jay), or just going through a phase (as Nat first thought), or that I’m trying to make a big deal out of being bisexual.

I later came out to a few more of my friends but out of all of the people I’ve told I feel as if only one understands me. I thought Kay would be the one that I could talk to, after all she does have some experience coming out. But she can never understand how it feels to be in the closet in a conservative-christian homeschool environment when she goes to an arts high school where half of the kids are gay.

The next person I thought I would be able to talk to is my best friend Mary. Well, she’s witnessing me have a crush on a girl for the first time in her life and finally realizes how real my situation is. I think she’s a little jealous that I’m spending so much time with my crush and a little confused as she’s never witnessed one of her female friends liking another female.

The one person I can actually talk to happens to be  friend of mine named Von. We don’t spend that much time together but we text a lot, and seems to be the only person I’ve told that doesn’t think I’m weird.

All in all, so far, my coming out experience hasn’t been that great. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost two of my friends and am on the verge of loosing another if I don’t do something fast. I thought it would be easier to come out to my friends but I was forgetting that most of my friends are conservative christians. Now I wish that I never said anything. I know for a fact that I’ll never be able to tell my homophobic family. What I’ve learned from all of this is that I probably shouldn’t come out until I’m in college, or somewhere else far away and more accepting.

Confused (Bisexual)

I’m a 14 year old African American Christian girl and my whole life I’ve been taught love is between a man and a woman. When I turned 10 I saw a girl kiss another girl on the cheek on tv. It was a simple friendly peck, but it was the most intriguing thing I had ever seen because the kiss was shared between 2 women. I must have replayed that in my mind a hundred times. A little while later, my cousin showed me porn for the first time and I was completely disgusted. The porn was of a man and a woman and I remember sitting there cringing and turning my head. After a while I started actually watching it and I started to feel something. My hearted beaten fast, my stomach tightened with bits of adrenaline pumping through my veins. That was the first time I ever experienced a little wetness down there. When I got home I searched for my own porn but it started off with just girls. Girls kissing, girls touching, girls seducing, anything. I watched that a lot when my mom was at work. I even taught myself how to masturbate when I was alone in my bed when I was around 11. I rubbed myself in circular motions slowly…then faster and gave myself an orgasm. I was freaking out because I didn’t know what was going on. My body took control and drove me off the edge. And the whole time I fantasied about a woman. My mom has caught me watching porn a number of 3 times to date. She even had a talk with me about it. She told me that I could talk to her if I was curious about a man, but that was never the case. I was curious about a women. I still imagine lesbian sex with another girl as well as being in a relationship with one. Kissing them and holding them close. I even go on tumblr and youtube sometimes to search for happy lesbian couples. Now I’m 14 and have 1 bisexual friend who is currently in the closet. My school isn’t really that homophobic, it’s just my friends happen to be. They’re always calling any openly lesbian girl or gay boy “fag” or “dyke” and it really pisses me off. They hate being near lesbian/bi girls because they instantly think because they are lesbian/bi, they have a crush on them. I recently found out there’s and LGBT club (all of them who are apart of it took a vow of silence one day. That’s how I found out who is actually lesbian, gay, bi, and trans.) at my school and I really want to check it out, but I know my friends found out they’d be weird about it. I really don’t know what to do. I think I like girls, and I’ve always liked guys, and I secretly hope this is not just a phase. If I told any of my friends, I don’t know how they’d react. If I told my family (who is pretty religious) they might be disappointed. 

Isnt it awful when you decide to come out to the only single person you think would understand, and they react by trying to convince you its only your delusional mind?):

When I Came Out.

Well, before anything major happened, when I was about six years old I kissed my friend on the cheek. I thought the butterflies were out of embarassment when she told me not to do that again, but after about two years, I kind of started to wonder if it was something different.

When I was either 11 or 12, I came out to my dad upstairs in their bedroom, telling him about how I thought I was bisexual. I remember begging him not to tell mom because she’s such a devout Christian. He was perfectly fine with it and mom eventually came to be getting mad saying I could tell her anything. (That and I was too young to even know.) Two years later as a fourteen year old, my second best friend and I decided to give dating a try. It was magic. Unfortunately she was moving and I seriously needed some emotional support. It seemed my parents had forgotten all about the previous talk.(That, or they believed I moved past it) yet again, I went to my father first.

Predictably, he already have a feeling I had been dating the girl and had no issues with it. He just talked to me and helped me stop crying. Mom on the other hand…. Reacted horribly. She said it was a bit of bullcrap and that I yet again thought of her as a friend and not a girlfriend. I ended up resorting to writing a note to her telling her otherwise because I was afraid of getting hit by a bible. No kidding there. She claimed it was ‘end of story’.

Months later and nothing went better. She became distrusting of other females. I can’t give girls gifts without her thinking that they are more than friends. It is safe to say coming out was the WORST thing I could have ever decided to do.

I’m twenty-one and I came out to my dad two hours ago.  I’ve been working up to it since I was twelve; ever since I figured out I liked boys.  He sort of facepalmed for a second, then he slid off the couch, knelt down, pressed his face to the floor and started sobbing.  He kept saying things like “You’re too young” and “You’ll suffer” and “Please don’t stop studying”.  I sort of hugged him and told him it was okay and that it wasn’t that bad and he insisted that he didn’t think it was bad, he just hoped that I wasn’t gay.  Which sort of means he does think it’s bad.  And then we maybe had a little bit of a disagreement over the fact that he wanted me to “Please wait until I’m gone” and the fact that I’m not willing to put my personal life on hold and repress myself because it makes him uncomfortable.

Sheesh.  When my mum gets back from this work dinner she’s attending, he’ll probably tell her.  Let’s hope she takes it better than he does.  She probably will, she’s an Elton John fan.

Coming out to a friend… and it didn’t go well.

My friend Gina is a girl I have carpooled with to college and studied with for two years. She is really cool and we hang out all the time, but I was so sure she has no idea that I am bi and I didn’t know how to tell her. I have never had to tell anyone before. My friends have all been with me since puberty and they all know. Many times, they have broken it to people by how they jokingly make fun of me for it. :)

To me, I was kind of thinking of Gina like “you are missing some really great opportunities to make fun of me for some of the stuff that comes out of my mouth!” :D   Also, most people know and I would hate for her to find out through someone else.

So the other day, I told her. Very awkward conversation. VERY. She just sat there and stared at me like she was so pissed off she didn’t know what to say. Then she repeated conversations we had had that day and turned everything I had said that day into some kind of predatory sexual come-on. “So when I laid down on your bed and said I’d like to sleep there tonight and you said ‘Go ahead’, you were really thinking about SEX!”

NO. I WAS NOT. >:(

So here is my rant on this subject. I thought she was a good friend and I am not cool with being treated like I was trying to molest her all this time! We have hung out for two years! I helped her try on bras in Lane Bryant for 45 minutes and we cleaned out all of the closets in her house. She is NOT hot. I have never thought about sex once in her presence.

Why would you think that now - all of a sudden - my entire goal is just to screw you????? I am not some predatory molester who is just out to have sex with every girl if I could just get the chance. You have known me for two years! How could you possibly think that of me?!?!?! You liked me five minutes ago when you didn’t know! Reality check: I was gay before I told you!!!!

And by the way, it takes two consenting adults to have sex, especially for girls! What do you think I am going to do?? Dive at your crotch like a freaking labrador??!?!

GRRRR!!!! I am just so angry and disappointed in her. 

Coming out…going back into the closet…coming out again

So hi, i’m Jasmine, a 16 year old girl, and i’m something i havent titled yet..bc not sure if i’m lesbian or bi (hopefully bi). I have always kinda known i’m different.. Never checked on boys as other girls did. When they all agreed about a dude being hot, i always ended and still end up disagreeing. When i was little I didnt know that that feeling is called ‘being homosexual’.. i just knew i was different than other girls in a sertain way. I was actually 13 when i kinda understood that i am gay. And it was a shock for me and i just couldnt take it bc i had heard others making jokes on gays etc..and naturally thought it’s a bad thing. I also didnt know anyone being gay. Just some celebs who ppl laughed at. But yea, so it took me a year to accept the idea that i might be gay..and I kinda came out last year around November by telling my best friend. B4 telling her i had prepared her for it since the autumn by asking many many times that what would she say if i told her i’m gay/trans/bi? And the answer was always: “nothing, but would be shocked.” i told her after a couple moths of asking.. And she answered: “Oh really. You finally told..! I ofc guessed after so many times of asking”. Lol kinda funny now afterwards xD

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The Hardest Story To Tell

So, my coming out story is a little different than many, but I hope I can share and help someone else out. I never realized I had to come out, I have known I was gay since 5th grade when boys first start experimenting on eachother. I’ve always been very small, but athletic, not overly feminine, but just enough I considered the fact I was gay obvious besides, never dated girls but had tons of them on friends. I sang in choir, I was a cheerleader, like really it was somewhat obvious.

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My Name is Alyssa, and I’m bi.

I have liked guys and girls for a while now, Im not really sure when I started liking both, but about 2 weeks ago I came out to one of my close friends. It was probably one of the reactions I expected least from her. She said it was weird and probobly just a phase. After that she kinda stopped holding my hand, or linking arms with me while we walked. She even stopped giving me hugs in the morning at school, simple stuff like that. It hurt a lot.

Today, I told another friend. One that I hoped would be more accepting and more supportive than the other.
I first told her how much what I was about to tell her meant to me, and she nodded.
And then I told her how I hoped it wouldn’t change our friendship.
Then I just told her. It felt good saying the words
It took a second for it to register, and then she said “Really?” I told her yes.
Then she reached down for my hand, (we were walking) and she said “thats cool” and then we started skipping instead of walking. It was one of the best times ever because I felt like I could trust her, and she accepted me just the way I was :)

Coming out and a few words of advice.

Hey there! I’m Ryan and I’m 14. I just recently came to the conclusion and accepted that I am gay. I realized that I have been gay my whole life because I remember never REALLY feeling attracted to girls, and I saw some home videos from when I was younger and just by the way I talked and acted it was obvious I was special! Anyway, to the coming out story. I guess it’s not actually a coming out story because I didn’t actually come out, it’s more of a found out story. So my mom came to pick me up from school a few weeks ago when I stayed after to practice for a concert. (I play the trombone) I got in the car, and as we left the school, she said to me “Weeeee need to talk about something serious.” It was that kind of tone that starts high and just gets lower. You know that really suspicious kind of tone. At this point I was scared. Does she know? Did she find my “magazines?” (Jk about the mags) and then she said “I was trying to set up my email on my phone and yours was up and I saw things from match.com and e-harmony and LGBT.” At this point, I was devastated and my heart sank. I had never felt so low before. I cried the whole way home and didn’t talk about it. I was really sad but also really mad at myself. What had happened was a few months before, I got on my email on her phone and forgot to log off. Then just before “the incident” I had emailed an LGBT help center for guidance on coming out. I had also been so stupid as to go to match.com and whatever…… I was just curious. So it’s all okay now, but I was going to wait till I was 17 to tell her. But know she knows and nobody else, and I plan on coming out when I’m 16 or 17. So, a few words of advice would be, wait until you’re ready, I mean absolutely ready, and start with close friends or cousins or aunts and uncles, and finish with your immediate family. My family, including myself, are all very conservative, but perfectly fine with gay people, accept for my dad. He’s not so okay with gay people I don’t think. He is set on the idea that marriage is a man and woman and people were put on this earth for the purpose of reproduction. But when you come out, people may not be so supportive at first, but they will come around. But usually for the most part, people are okay with it. This is 2013 for crying out loud! And here’s a few more things: you can be a father, and a great one with a partner. To avoid your kids being bullied at school, live in an accepting place like Seattle, San Francisco, Portland, places like that. Also, you are who you are and you need to learn to love yourself. Don’t worry about anything other people think. Here’s a few quotes:

I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. - Jimi Hendrix

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Peter 4:8 (you can use this one if someone says its a sin to be gay)

And that brings me to this. Being gay is not a sin. I don’t care if you know the bible cover to cover. It’s not a sin. Why would god create something he condemns? He doesn’t condemn gays. And also, I hate the term gays or gay because I feel like I’m being put in a package with a big white label. I prefer the term human. I am human, you are human. We all are human and we all need love. I want someone who is kind, smart, funny, honest, adventurous, sarcastic, outgoing, and extroverted. I can fin a woman like that and a man like that. The only difference is the plumbing. I prefer the plug to the outlet. The p to the v. But so what. We are all people.

That’s all. I love you! I don’t know who you are that’s reading this but I love you and someone out there thinks you’re perfect. You may not feel perfect, and others may point out and only see your flaws, but somebody out there thinks you’re perfect. You’ve just got to find that person. If you want some guidance or have questions just email me. I check my email every day.

Adios Amigos! (I’m not Spanish or Mexican. I’m Irish, German, and Czech. And American haha.)

- Ryan - rtbvv001@gmail.com

To start at the beginning…

So, to start at the beginning I will say I’m a 24 year old lesbian. I’m proud of it and not at all ashamed. I will say it took me until I was 23 to accept this about myself and that made my growing up and high school hard. I’m the daughter of a baptist mom and a Persian father. I was never really raised with a religion I kind of made up my own mind about that.

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I’m a gay man. Who is very much in the Closet

I am a gay 20+ year old guy. And I’ve always known I liked boys from the age of 10 or 12. I’ve done some things kids tend to do when they are little with there brothers but noting to where it would rise any Suspicion, unless I come out. I’ve always had this attraction towards attractive guys through out middle school and into all 4 years in HS. I never once made an Indication that I was gay to anyone. Not family, friends or strangers. Several years in college and still am, I’ve noticed that I’m not in a rush to come out. I don’t have that support nest that others may have if something should happen. Their is only one person on this planet that consciously I’ve told who I really am. But not face to face. Through emails. I’m proud I made this very small step in what will one day be a larger one in sometime. I’m sad that I have to pretend to pactically everyone that I’m not who they think I am. I wish I could just be free of this weight off my shoulders. This is a story that I will continue to tell and one day wright s novel of my life for all to read. Take care. Love you all. :)

Rocky Start

It took me a long time to admit to myself that I was a lesbian. I would go back and forth between women and men until I accepted that i was a lesbian. I then came out to my three closest friends (who are sisters) and one didn’t care at all and is supportive. One thinks there is no way I can be a lesbian because I have never been with a guy (I should ask her if she had to sleep with a girl to know she is straight >..

I’m scared

So my coming out has been an incredibly long and painful process. I told a few of my good friends first and they were totally okay with it. In fact, one of my friends admitted to me when I came out, that she is a lesbian too. Needless to say, we became very close. We started to date. And eventually we had our first kiss. I was hers, and she was mine. It was at that point that I knew 100% that I was a lesbian and that I needed to tell my family. I told my mom first because we are best friends practically. She told me she had known for some time. And she even knew that my friend and I were dating. Which is weird, because my mom would let my gf and I sleep in the same bedroom. We shared my queen sized bed. We never did anything inappropriate. But I find my moms trust in me to be amazingly high. Anyways, I made my mom promise not to tell a soul. But she did. My step dad found out and so did close family friends that I considered family. That made me a little angry. However I was kind of glad that I didn’t have to tell them now. Anyways, the only people I need to tell are my grandparents and my sisters. Everyone has been accepting so far. I know my grandparents will still love me. But its my sisters oddly enough…I’m 19 and they’re both 14. And the other sister is 10. I don’t know why I am so afraid. My sisters aren’t very nice, and will use anything they can to humiliate you. I worry that they won’t take this seriously, and that they will harass me. Which I can’t handle. They like to blurt out private things about other people . And if they start to tell my secret…well I fear that it will push me over the edge. Anyone have advice?

Schrodinger’s Closet

Hey everyone. I’m LJ, 21, Irish, cisgendered female. I’m pansexual, but I often just say bisexual because it requires less explanation. Since I identified as bisexual for many years before I’d even heard the word pansexual, I’ll stick to using “bi” in my story. This is the story of how I came out to myself and my friends - and of how I actively didn’t come out to my mother. You’ll see what I mean in a bit. I’ll do my very best not to ramble but I’m afraid this post might run rather long. Before I begin I’d like to say that nothing in my story comes close to the hardship and suffering some other people have gone through. I’ve been very lucky and things have been very easy for me so far on the whole.

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