When I Came Out...

Hi everyone, i’m Josh, i’m an 18 year old Theatre Arts major living in New York. It’s nice to meet all of you! I guess I’m hear to talk about my coming out story. It’s complicated so I hope if you have any questions you will ask me on my blog! I guess it started in 7th grade, I found a porn site accidentily and it turned out to be a gay site. I found myself attracted to the men on the website and just enjoyed this new found experience for the heck of it. I didn’t know what these thoughts meant, I still thought I liked girls even though I never stared at them or found them sexually pretty. I ignored my feelings until the end of 9th grade when after three disastrous relationships with girls I discovered a boy in my class liked me. I was instantly infatuated because i never thought ANYONE would like me in that way, especially a boy. I rushed coming out to be with him, and my parents turned into monsters.They mocked me and said I didn’t know what I was talking about and said my friends were changing me. I had no friends, so they had no basis for that one. I told the boy about this and he said i was clingy and left without even explaining. I came out to be with him for nothing. Ironically a few years later he started pining for me and pathetically begging for forgiveness. I digress, that summer my parents had seemingly forgotten it had ever happened and I tried to find other boys like me via the internet. I met a boy my age and in short he tricked me into believing he loved me, I did some things i’m not proud of and then one night he claimed to be straight and had his girlfriend of this whole time harass me over the internet. They subsequently called my house in the middle of the night and outed me to my parents and told them everything. My mom burst into my room and told me that I could be gay when I was 35. The next morning my mom and dad marched me down stairs and shoved a newspaper in my face, its headline discussing a local pedophile that had been caught. They asked me if that was what I wanted to be like, and I sobbingly said no. My mom then described anal sex like it was worse than murder and she made me sick for days. The next year they took me out of my public school because they thought I was going to get beat up every day and I found myself in a private school. Ironically it was the best thing to happen to me, I developed social skills, I challenged myself with harder courses, and most importantly I found my love for theatre. For the next three years I would tell people about my sexuality but made them promise to keep it secret for fear of being sent to my military school, (dad’s threat). I finally was out fully in my senior year unbeknownst to my parents. I had my first boyfriend then, who had to keep his sex life a secret too. We met in a show we were both in and reconnected after a summer apart. He was a freshmen in college then. We snuck around for four months until he turned into a very annoying and rude person to be around. He was good to me before that and he will always be in my heart as my first boyfriend, someone who took care of me, and cared for me faults and all. A boy in another high school then took an interest in me and then played the “idk what i am you’re a freak and are confusing me leave me alone” card. We have since made up, but he seriously needs to figure himself out. He’s too afraid to even say the word gay. Whatever, I now am in college and I met my 2nd boyfriend here. We did not end well since he dumped me over the phone after saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was too busy for one. Four days later he started dating our mutual friend, and have been together since. He has since become a douche and I pity him. Anyways this is about coming out not relationships, I recently just started my 2nd semester of my freshmen year a few days ago after spending over a month in misery. I somehow managed to gather up the courage to confront my mom about being gay. I had a hard time being positive before but I just went in and said my piece. “You’re runining the holiday…you’re not giving yourself a chance..i don’t need to deal with you” I left dejected. Beginning of my depression…a week later I brought it up again and my mom admitedly told me that I need to fuck a girl to know I like boys. She has no idea how much that one sentence hurt me. My mom said she’d talk about it when she wanted to. For the rest of the break I faked being happy around them, and was miserable. I didn’t tell my dad because I am afraid of him sometimes, and he didn’t need the added “stress” since he quit his job last week. Tumblr was my only solace and outlet. I’m back now and i’m still recovering. I realize that I am the least confident person because of them. They suffocated me by never letting me be myself and instead instilled fear in me of THEM. My mom wondered why I was being grumpy to her the last day of break, and she yelled at me in a half bewildered confusion. I also realize that patience is a necessity with these things, although i’m not putting myself through the pain of coming out for a 6th time now. Everyone else in my family accepts it and loves me. They just want me to be happy. I was talked out of getting them involved by my sisters who were worried it’d be a WWIII death match of the Harris family. What did I do wrong? I have always done what they have asked me to do. I got a 3.27 gpa first semester and my dad told me to get a 4.0 next time. I can never please them. Their is no real ending to this coming out story. I just wanted to share and if anyone could just talk to me sometime i’d greatly appreciate it and visa versa. 

here’s my url!: http://whiteswan93.tumblr.com/